I’ve been stuck in a rut. Even with a job as exciting as food and travel writing, the grind of everyday life can wear you down. Nothing is really “wrong,” but I’ve been craving something deeper than a daily dose of cheap dopamine in the form of Instagram affirmations and alignment tips.
When I hear about Jen Febel’s Soulful Radiance Retreat, I’m skeptical but curious. The immersive four-day retreat in Hockley, Ontario, promises transformational workshops, chakra exploration, meditations and sound baths — and screaming at trees. I figure: best case, I find myself; worst case, I spend a beautiful fall weekend in nature surrounded by weirdos. I’m in.
Soulful Radiance Retreat is hosted at the Ecology Retreat Centre, north of Orangeville
Driving up north, I pass by rolling fields in their last days of being lush and green before they wither in the frost, while golden sunbeams illuminate the crimson foliage. It takes two hours to get to the Ecology Retreat Centre, a comfortable but rustic collection of cabin-like buildings in a forest connected by trails. It reminds me of being a kid at summer camp. I quickly realize that this is not at all like the glamorous wellness retreats or luxurious spa resorts that I’ve seen on my feed, where people escape from life to carve out time for self-care in the form of healthy indulgence and pampering. This is something else entirely.
The retreat’s founder and facilitator, Jen Febel, is a seasoned coach with a long list of credentials behind her name — from a B.A. in Psychology to certifications in several healing modalities, including hypnotherapy, Time Line Therapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. She’s also the author of How to Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck) and the host of the BTG Podcast. It’s all part of her mission to “bridge the gap” between where people are and where they want to be, empowering them to take control of their lives and create lasting change.
Twice a year, in spring and fall, the Soulful Radiance Retreat fully immerses participants in their healing journey. While it’s still in the realm of self-care, the four-day experience is about deep transformational healing. It’s not a tidy, soothing, zen weekend. It’s messy, incredibly emotional and deeply moving.
“We often try to do deeper healing in our day-to-day, but you can only go so deep when you also have kids, pets, jobs and bills to pay,” says Febel. “My goal is to create a container that supports going deeper. Because it’s like swimming: Anyone can swim, but if you want to go deep, you need the right equipment, you need the right space. A lot of times, people want to go deep and walk on the bottom of the ocean, but they’re still in snorkelling gear, and then they wonder why they’re drowning all the time.”
I can’t help but feel nervous. While a few of the participants seem to know each other, the first dinner is awkward for the rest of us. But the vegetarian meals served by the Ecology Retreat Centre staff are tasty, balanced and filling — and they find ways to accommodate each person’s allergies and dietary restrictions. At the very least, I’ll be well-fed this weekend.
Soon, we’re huddled outside the meeting cabin, making small talk while we wait for each person to be brought through the threshold, one-by-one, into a dark room that’s hidden behind a curtain. There are plenty of first-timers like me, who share the same anxious anticipation, but then there are the repeat customers who proudly proclaim that they’ve been back many times. They tease that we’re in for a ride. I can’t help but wonder why anyone would choose to do something like this more than once.
Finally, it’s my turn. Fast-moving hands run over me, cleansing my energy. I’m showered with reiki and healing energy. My senses adjust to the dim light, the quiet space and the electricity of 30 women sitting in a circle on the floor, all waiting hungrily for something — connection perhaps? Or permission to be heard? Suddenly, my life in the city feels very far away.
Surrounded by other women, all holding space for each other, we slowly begin to open up and share. We go around the circle, revealing our intentions for the weekend, and for some, it’s hard and heavy right away. There are women who have never spoken aloud in such a large room. Some people are escaping abuse. Others are trying to recreate themselves and rediscover their joy.
I realize that I don’t know why I’m here. But for the first time in a long time, I feel completely subsumed in the present moment. I’m pulled out of my head, out of my anxieties about the past or the future and into the right now. And it feels sacred.
Febel brings in other practitioners who add different skills and modalities to her retreats. Aline Jolie, a reiki and sound healing practitioner, vibrates her large set of singing bowls and fills the room with sound. Engulfed by the soothing, ringing reverberations, we’re led through a meditative experience during the reiki sound bath. The journey of this retreat has begun, and there’s no going back now.
Settling into my dorm-style room for the night, I lay out my things on the bottom bunk. Despite there being four beds, I only have one roommate, a cheerful woman in her 70s who’s as chatty as I am. She tells me about her life and the “death café” she’s part of — a regular meetup to chitchat about death. Death is a topic I’ve always avoided, especially around older folks, but she assures me that the more you talk about it, the less scary it is. I follow her into the deep, dark, cavernous hole of discussing death, until it feels more like being in a closet with the lights off — unfamiliar, but not quite so frightening.
Learning from and being moved by other women is an unexpected side effect
Learning from and being moved by other women in between and during sessions is an unexpected side effect of being out in nature, isolated from the world, in this container for deep healing. We’re also given the option to sign up for experiences with other practitioners during our free time, like massages, reiki, shamanic healing, iridology and psychic medium sessions, at an additional cost.
For the majority of the weekend, Febel leads us through an itinerary of different workshops and exercises that range from deep reflection to silly games and fun crafts. “Most of us don’t give ourselves the opportunity to feel joy,” says Febel. “Everyone talks about doing inner child work, and they think that means just sitting in their house alone, journalling, but inner child work also involves play and being goofy with others.”
We learn how to balance our chakras and live more in alignment with ourselves — in a practical way that’s rooted in the real world.
“The original intention of the retreat was to help people understand themselves through the lens of the chakra systems, because I like how it parallels developmental psychology and other paths,” says Febel. “The different activities are meant to let people access and feel what is meant by each chakra … The Root Chakra is about groundedness and safety, but what does that feel like? We walk the labyrinth to feel what it means to be grounded and safe in our body; to feel what it’s like to be connected to our physical reality.”
Febel challenges our beliefs about ourselves, shines a spotlight on old wounds that need healing and empowers us to take responsibility for our own lives. She doesn’t mince words when she doles out the painful truth about empaths and narcissists, which leaves many people in the group reeling.
Before the weekend, we were given a list of rules to follow during the retreat, and the hardest one is not comforting anyone who cries. Instead of trying to soothe them into holding back their tears, we simply witness them. We stand by and watch each other fall apart, so that the old wounds, fears and insecurities that are buried inside of us can come to the surface for healing and release. Then, we’re lovingly put back together through the support of a room full of women who were once strangers, but now have shown so much love and compassion for each other that we feel like best friends. It feels like being broken, and then wholly unbroken.
The culmination for me is The Osho Dynamic Meditation, “Or what I call Drano for your soul,” says Febel. “Before we can build new energy, we have to clear out whatever is stagnant.” I regularly meditate, exercise, eat healthy and go to therapy. I have plenty of healthy habits, but I’ve never given any thought to what might be underneath the new energy I’ve been trying to create.
During the meditation, we’re blindfolded for 30 minutes, and move together through stages of breathwork, movement, silence and screaming. It’s rare that any of us truly use the full extent of our voices, and at first, my screams aren’t any louder than my speaking voice. “Ahh,” I say meekly. But the longer I stand blindfolded in this room full of yelling women, the louder my voice becomes until I’m screaming and howling like a wild creature. Finally, my screams start forming the word “no,” over and over again. I realize I’m screaming “no” to everyone who’s ever hurt me or taken advantage of me, and for every time I said “yes” when my heart didn’t.
Tears are pouring down my face when we stop, and we are left to sit in complete silence for what feels like an eternity. Then, we dance. Blindfolded, in a room full of strangers with whom I’ve shared so much, we all dance. I’ve always been self-conscious about my dancing, but now it feels different. Instead of being performative, it’s freeing.
I’m not the only one who finds my voice this weekend. Hearing the stories of other women — their bravery, their strength — is powerful and inspiring. The connection is another magical thing about this experience. One woman shares how she’s rebuilding herself after leaving a toxic marriage. Another woman speaks up for the first time in her life, and pushes past her chronic pain to walk the labyrinth barefoot in the cold — and through her own desire to write, shows me how to fall in love with my own writing all over again.
On a hike with a small group during our free time, we take a wrong turn and end up faced with an incredibly steep descent. One of the women is so afraid, she bursts into tears. Without hesitation, we grab her arm-in-arm and climb down together, using all of our strength to hold each other up.
We cry together, we laugh together, we heal together. Everyone showers each other with love
We cry together, we laugh together, we heal together. Everyone showers each other with love. Yes, we scream at trees and walk barefoot in the grass, and there is a lot of “woo.” But Febel backs up her spiritual teachings with science, knowledge and real-world experience.
“I wanted to create a space that ends up creating a map for people on what to do when the feels get feely, when life gets lifey,” says Febel. “When shit goes sideways, what’s the path to find yourself again? Because it’s not like, ‘I found myself; I’m done.’ It’s a constant process of finding myself, losing myself, finding myself, losing myself. I wanted not just a space to explore it, but also to give people a map of how to find their way back to it.”
Now, I understand why people come to the Soulful Radiance Retreat again and again, season after season, year after year.
We learn about setting healthy boundaries and are given practical tools to improve our lives. I learn that I deserve so much more than what I’ve been given, from myself and others. And for the first time in my life, I’m ready to stand up for myself, even if it means abandoning my current life and forging a whole new path.
The weekend feels like forever, but somehow, it’s over in an instant. I realize that when you’re truly present, time doesn’t exist in quite the same way. Driving home, the sun seems brighter and everything looks more beautiful. I see myself differently — through kinder eyes that reflect the compassion of all the women who showed me love this weekend. And my heart is so full.
The Soulful Radiance Retreat runs every June and October. To learn more and to register, visit btgwellness.com
