I’ve been stuck in a rut. Even when your job is as exciting as being a food and travel writer, the banality of everyday life can be taxing. So, when I get the chance to go on Jen Febel’s Soulful Radiance Retreat, I jump at the opportunity.
I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve gone on spa weekends and wellness getaways that are all about escaping from life to carve out time for self-care in the form of healthy indulgence and pampering. This Ontario wellness retreat is entirely different.
While it’s still in the realm of self-care, the Soulful Radiance Retreat is about healing. It’s not a neat and tidy, soothing, zen weekend. It’s messy, incredibly emotional and deeply moving.
Founder and facilitator, Jen Febel is a masterful coach with a long list of credentials behind her name, from a B.A. in Psychology to being certified in several healing modalities, including hypnotherapy, Time Line Therapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. She’s also the author of How to Set Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a D*ck) and the host of the BTG Podcast. It’s all part of her mission to "bridge the gap" between where people are and where they want to be, empowering them to take control of their lives and create lasting, transformational change.
When I arrive on a gorgeous, crisp fall day, I have no idea that the weekend will set in motion a chain of events that will lead to me breaking off my engagement and completely changing my entire life.
Once I’m off the major highways, the drive to Mono, Ontario is beautiful, sailing past the crimson colours and rolling greens. It takes almost two hours to get from Toronto to the Ecology Retreat Centre, a comfortable, but rustic collection of buildings spread out across a gorgeous landscape of trees, fields, a pond and a stream that we can (and do) drink from.
The dorm-style rooms outfitted with bunk beds, and a common area with couches remind me of being back in university residence. Provided by the Ecology Retreat Centre staff, the meals are surprisingly tasty and filling for being all vegetarian — and they're fully able to accommodate my allergies along with other guests' dietary restrictions.
After settling into our rooms and getting past the awkwardness of the first dinner, we're waiting in the foyer of the meeting cabin for the experience to start. There are plenty of first timers like me, who share the same nervous energy, but then there are the people who have been back many times and have a certain calm excitement for what’s about to come.
One by one, we’re brought into the dimly lit space, our energy is cleansed, we’re showered with reiki and healing energy, and any lingering thoughts about work or life in the city fall away. Here, in this room, surrounded by other women, all holding space for each other, we slowly begin to open up and share our truths. We go around the circle, revealing our intentions for the weekend, and for some people it's really hard and heavy, right away. I’m pulled out of my head, out of my anxieties about the past or the future, and into the present moment. That’s the first magical thing about this retreat — being completely present.
Febel collaborates with other practitioners for her retreats, and one of them performs a reiki sound bath. Engulfed by the ringing vibrations, we're led on a meditative experience. The journey of this retreat has begun, and there's no going back now.
Throughout the weekend, Febel leads us through a number of different workshops and exercises that range from fun games and crafts to deep reflection and intense emotional outpourings. We’re also given the opportunity to sign up for experiences with other practitioners during our free time, like massages, reiki and energy healing sessions, at an additional cost.
We learn how to balance our chakras and live more in alignment with ourselves — in a practical way that's rooted in the real world. Febel doesn't mince words when she doles out the painful truth about empaths and narcissists, which leaves many people in the group reeling.
Before the weekend we were given a list of rules to follow during the retreat, and the hardest one is not to comfort anyone who cries. Instead of trying to soothe them into holding back their tears, we simply have to hold space and bear witness. We watch each other fall apart and pull ourselves back together.
Febel challenges our beliefs about ourselves, shines a spotlight on old wounds that need healing and empowers us to take responsibility for our own lives. It feels like being ripped open, having the pain, fear and insecurity pulled out of your soul and then being lovingly put back together again. And it all happens in front of a room full of women who were once strangers, but now have shown so much love and compassion for each other that they suddenly feel like best friends. It feels like being broken, and then wholly unbroken.
The culmination for me is a meditation that sees us blindfolded for 30 minutes, going through breathwork, movement and eventually screaming. It’s rare that any of us get the chance to use the full extent of our voices, and at first my screams are quite meek. But the longer I stand blindfolded in this room full of screaming women, the more I scream and scream and scream. Until I find myself screaming “no” at everyone who’s ever hurt me or taken advantage of me, and for every time I said “yes” when my heart was saying “no.”
Tears are pouring down my face when we finally stop, and are left to sit in complete silence for what feels like an eternity. Then, we dance. Blindfolded, in a room full of strangers who I’ve shared so much with, we all dance. I’ve always been self-conscious about my dancing, but now it feels different. Instead of being performative, it's just for me and my self-expression.
I’m not the only one who finds my voice this weekend. Hearing the stories of other women — their bravery, their strength — is so incredibly powerful and inspiring. The connection is the other magical thing about this whole experience. My 70-year-old roommate teaches me how to overcome my fear of death. Another woman speaks up for the first time in her life and pushes past her chronic pain to walk a labyrinth barefoot in the cold with the group — and shows me how to fall in love with writing all over again.
On a hike with a small group during our free time, we take a wrong turn and end up faced with an incredibly steep descent. One of the women is so afraid, she bursts into tears, so we grab her arm-in-arm and climb down together, using all of our strength to hold each other up.
We cry together, we laugh together, we heal together. Everyone showers each other with love. Yes, we scream at trees and walk barefoot in the grass, and there is a lot of “woo.” But Febel backs up her spiritual teachings with science, knowledge and real-world experience. We learn about setting healthy boundaries and are given practical tools to actually improve our lives. I learn that I deserve so much more than what I've been given, from myself and from others. And for the first time in my life, I'm ready to stand up for myself, even if it means abandoning my current life and forging a whole new path — without my fiancé in it.
The weekend feels like forever, but somehow, it’s over in an instant. When you’re truly present, time doesn’t exist in the same way. Driving home, the sun seems brighter and everything looks more beautiful. I see myself differently — through kinder eyes that reflect the compassion of all the women who showed me love this weekend. And my heart is so full from all the connections I’ve made and everyone who touched my soul.
The Soulful Radiance Retreat runs every June and October. To learn more, and to register, visit btgwellness.com
